(Q14 + Q16: 03.2020 - 12.2020)

Quinnely has been documenting the pits and falls of his life from a very young age through audio messages and written notes addressed to himself.

To end this year on a note of reflection, he decided to listen back to a few of these so he could appreciate how far he’d come in comparison to a much more challenging times in his life.

He came across a voice note from his 14 year old self. Made at a really low time in his life; the note addressed his older self to give him some strength when working through other dark times in his life. The message began as a series of affirmations trying to encourage his future self to separate from his body when he is feeling low.

At one point he talks in present tense about having lived both a female and male life. This was a future affirmation he hoped he could one day listen back to and have completed.

“It was recorded on a evening when I didn’t think I would make it till morning… but it was made for the older me in the future to look back on and gain some hope from to push through... I’m still young, although I have evolved since I first recorded that I still have a lot of evolution to fill before I feel like I can match the older Quinn audience it was intended for.” - Quinnely (28th Dec 2020)

Amongst all the challenges faced this year, Quinnely wanted to share this message not only for himself to look back on but possibly for other young trans and non-binary people searching for a coping mechanism.

Transcript of audio message:

Stop listening, stop focusing.

This is not you. This is not your fight.

Your body is a canvas. You are using it as a tool to show the experiences of both male and female lives.

An experience that you now share from both sides.

It’s not easy in the slightest, but you need to stop taking it personally, because people have their own challenges that they are going to face.

People struggle to see a man in make-up, a man in a dress, a man in a bra, a man in anything remotely ‘female’ and that’s not their fault.

It’s because of the way they were raised; it’s because of the way society has conditioned the way men and women should be.

It was the same at one point with a woman in trousers, with a woman in a suit, a woman with no make-up, and now… It’s far from.

I understand the perspective of women who would believe that dresses and bras, and things like that, should be reserved for just women because they have a right to it- a ‘claim’ over it due to the oppression they experienced beforehand.

But, isn’t it fair just to level the playing-field?

To help the people who were oppressed in the same way for the things they enjoy, the same way women were. That’s where I come in.

Yes, I might prefer to be in a suit. Yes, I might enjoy heels. Yes, I might get extremely uncomfortable, dysphoric or possibly even have a panic attack over being in a skirt.

But what have I got to do? Endure.

Why? Because long term, this will help me understand where my place is. This will help me understand why people respond the way they do to particular clothes. This will help me understand who I am and what my role is in the world.

And for now- either way- who knows?

I might be able to go home if the way I dress allows me to.

I might be able to go home to my true place, the circus.

But for now, my body is a tool. My body is a canvas.

And, I will do with it what I need to, to send the right message to help those around me.